Talking To Your Teenager

By Paula Rainer, PhD

Center For Life Strategies

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Talking To Your Teenager

Has your teenager ever accused you of not listening to them? You may think that means your teen is trying to stress you out or simply justify his or her opinion. When depressed and distraught teenagers feel like they are not being heard by their parents they can become hopeless in the blink of an eye; even suicidal. Teenagers need to be able to talk to their parents and receive hope and security from the parents.

Even if a teenager does not generally agree with his or her parents about many issues or situations, it is important that a teenager feel he or she can reach out to the parent if he or she is in crisis. Parents need to be the “safe place” when a teenager is confused and desperate.

Stay calm and listen if your teenager approaches you with a problem. This is especially important if the communication between the two of you has been less than ideal. If your teenager rarely talks to you but is reaching out, this would be the occasion to be patient and nonjudgmental. There are times when teenagers need the parent to listen. If you notice that your teenager appears unusually nervous, anxious, sad, or mad it is an indicator that something is going on that is too large for him or her to handle.

Parents frequently have the power to restore hope back into a teenager's life. Here are some tips to helping a teenager that is reaching out.

• Start out by letting your teenager know that you love him or her no matter what is going on and that he or she does not need to be ashamed of what her or she is about to tell you. Regardless of what the teenager had done or is experiencing, it is a parent's responsibility to love and assist the teenager. Making mistakes is a normal part of your teenagers' development. Shaming your teenager for a mistake would suggest that the human state never includes failure.
• Listen to your teenager without interrupting and take care of his or her emotional needs (wiping tears, hugging, or affirming that you are going to be supportive of them through everything).
• Ask your teenager how you can help him or her with this particular crisis.
• After you have heard the issue, ask the teenager how you can provide emotional support to him or her.
• Ask your teenager what he or she would like to see as an outcome.
• Validate your bond with your teenager by affirming your love and support although the outcome might be a disappointment or totally unexpected.
• Talk to your teenager and make it a collaborative effort to set up home and social boundaries to avoid recurring problems.

Particularly in today's complex world of social media dominance, it may be useful to involve a professional therapist in working with your teenager to set boundaries, keep them safe and help them feel loved and understood by the parents.