Self-Talk & Self-Esteem

By Megan MacCutcheon, MEd

One of the most important tools in developing and maintaining healthy self-esteem involves monitoring the messages we tell ourselves. All day long, you have messages, called self-talk, going through your head.

For many people, these messages tend to be very negative. Messages may include distorted thinking and irrational beliefs, or they may include comments about our inadequacies and failures.

Stop and think about it. How many times this week have you thought something like, “Ugh. You're so stupid,” “I'm not capable,” or even something like, “I'm a fat slob?” And how many times have you told yourself something positive?

Our thoughts typically include blatantly negative messages, but, often, they are so subtle that we do not even realize we are thinking so poorly about ourselves. Over time, these negative thoughts chip away at our self-esteem, putting us at risk for depression.

Our thoughts, not actual events, create our moods, determine the way we feel about ourselves, and contribute to how we perform in various endeavors. In other words, the bad things that happen do not really cause us to become upset. We get upset because of the way we think about these events. Similarly, disappointing things sometimes happen because we've made ourselves believe they will.

If you find yourself feeling upset about a poor grade, it is not the letter at the top of the paper that is creating your mood, ultimately subconscious thoughts, such as, “I should have done better,” that bring you down.

I caught myself engaging in negative self-talk a few months ago when I backed into another car. My immediate thoughts were, “You are so dumb! You should have looked in the mirror!” I felt terrible. Recognizing the negative self-talk, I was able to change the message and tell myself, “Everybody makes mistakes.” Doing so helped me to feel better and protected my self-esteem from being damaged by personal attacks.

The good news is that negative self-talk can be reversed. It takes effort, much like breaking any bad habit. But when you learn to recognize and change the way you think on a daily basis, you can improve the overall way you feel. To learn more or to receive help in recognizing and shifting your negative self-talk, find a therapist who works from a cognitive-behavioral perspective.

With practice, you can shift your entire way of thinking, improve your self-esteem, and have a more positive outlook.