Loving and Thriving In Relationships

By Kristin Rosenthal, MA, LPC

Mount Vernon Family Therapy Associates

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Loving and Thriving In Relationships

When women are in secure relationships, they heal faster, suffer fewer depressions, and express higher levels of happiness. That seems so intuitively obvious. What does a secure, attached relationship look like?

Both partners are able to identify and accept their own emotional needs and recognize when they're feeling disconnected or distant from each other.

They can have intimate conversations about their needs and emotions. And they must reach for each other and trust that they will be met with care and sensitivity.

But how does a couple find their way to this deep sense of connection and closeness?

Many of us grew up in conflicted families. Maybe we didn't feel safe and close growing up, and so we don't know how to trust, lean in, and feel secure now. Sometimes we reach for our partner in ways that prompt him or her to back away, afraid of getting it wrong.

Fortunately, the ability and need to be close are biologically wired into us. Emotionally Focused Therapy is specifically designed to help people understand their deep needs for safety and bonding, and to de-escalate the painful effects of the most common kinds of defensiveness.

When we don't feel secure, we act from fear of loss or rejection. One partner pushes for connection, and the other, feeling criticized, backs off, hurting the first partner deeply. In fact, both may feel fear and frustration about how badly their connection is going. Often this develops into an ingrained and desperate pattern, which takes control of the relationship.

EFT has been found to be effective in ending distress and building a strong bond in 65 to 80 percent of couples. Treatment is often brief about 12 to 18 sessions.

Of course, when there is more pain and damage, from an affair, addiction, or childhood trauma, it takes longer to heal. But EFT for couples can help people who face these major issues, as well as other issues such as infertility and blending families.

A cost-effective way to begin deepening your connection is taking a workshop, Hold Me Tight Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. This is an educational program that teaches basic principles of EFT and useful techniques. And it is a great way to begin healing conversations with a partner in a group format. For more information, see www.HoldMeTight.com.