The "Mostly" Rule

By Robert A. Fontana, L.C.S.W

Robert A. Fontana Marriage Therapist

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The "Mostly" Rule

Last week a friend of mine who I hadn't seen for a while, asked if I could meet for lunch. When I arrived at the restaurant I couldn't help but notice he had lost a considerable amount of weight “30 pounds since February”, he said. Of course I responded, “So what diet are you on?” He smiled and replied, “It's the Mostly diet. I decided to eat healthy and exercise most of the time and not worry about occasionally indulging myself.”

A simple rule, yet we often find it so hard to follow. However, it still works and we generally apply the “Mostly” concept to many other aspects of our lives. We mostly go to work and occasionally indulge a sick day, we mostly strive to be diligent in our relationships, be responsible, and try to follow good morals and values, show good judgment, follow society's rules and mostly try to not get in trouble. In fact, when we do mess up in any of these categories we are prone to correct our mistakes, or not indulge too much before we create serious consequences.

When the outcome of our difficulties becomes a source of anxiety, anger, shame, embarrassment or depression, we begin to lose our capacity to be conscientious and become unbalanced. The positive behaviors we need to “mostly” employ seem to take an excessive effort and with each failure we withdraw into a negative thought process commonly called “a rut”.

This is when we become harshly judgmental of ourselves and look for quick gratifying solutions. We become reluctant to reach out for the realistic help we need to let go of our self-punitive behavior and put us back in touch with our ability to practice a more durable approach to our lives that allows for a periodic failure.

John Gottman Ph.D., a well-known relationship researcher, promotes the 80/20 rule. He claims, if your relationship is 80 percent satisfying you have enough positive memory to undo a 20 percent negative experience creating an overall positive relationship. Also, psychotherapist Martin Seligman's Positive Psychology approach shows how when expressions of “appreciation and gratitude” are practiced more than previously we can learn to become more optimistic.

The “mostly rule” incorporates our innate desire to practice our best diligence and responsibility. It also allows for us to reflect on ourselves and embrace the humanity of our imperfection.