The Path To Teen Freedom Choice, Responsibility, and Trust

By Grant Schafer, LCSW

It is human nature to seek help only when in need. Parents typically do not call a therapist to brag about how great their family is doing. Most therapists see parents in a time of crisis. Often life has become unmanageable. Trust has often been lost, people are tip-toeing around one another, and everyone is waiting for the next conflict. How do you trust again?

Well, if you could will yourself to trust again, you already would have. Here is a way to use behavior as a guide to restoring trust.

The “freedom funnel” is an example frequently used by therapist when working with parents who have lost trust in their child and vice versa. This simple creed can help guide the road back to regaining trust and teens being able to assert their independence.

“My behavior involves decisions I make.”; “I am responsible for my decisions.” “The more responsibility I take for my decisions, the more freedom and trust I should be given.”

The beginning is the narrow end of the funnel. As responsibility is shown by making positive, healthy, and responsible decisions, then the funnel of freedom expands, allowing for growth. The tough part is going back to the narrow end of the funnel when your teen has been living with many freedoms for quite some time.

You can use the phrase, “limiting choices” although your teen will argue the semantics and reply that you are “taking away things from me that are mine.” It is a framework, rather than an as-needed discipline tool. This requires you holding your teen accountable, as well as holding yourself/spouse accountable for granting more freedom as more responsibility is shown.

Both parents have to work within the framework. There is no room for good cop/bad cop within the funnel. Empty apologies do not cut it. Sometimes an “I’m sorry” translates into “don’t get upset when I repeat this behavior again.” The best way to predict teen/human behavior is how that person has behaved in the past.

If you and your family are tired of the same, then the freedom funnel may be worth a try.