Self-Sabotage To Self-Healing

By Rochelle Thompson, PsyD

The Journey To Healthy Dating

Do you find yourself always assuming the worst in people, or tell yourself that dating is pointless, because of your past experiences? You may be on the journey to self-sabotaging rather than loving.

There can be a lot of reasons that people self-sabotage, from past relationships to childhood traumas. Essentially, the root to self-sabotaging almost always comes down to fear. Many of us struggle with fear of abandonment, and or fear of losing ourselves after we have rebuilt from whatever broke us in our past.

Here are some tips that we want to keep in mind, as you begin to explore dating:

Self-Awareness – Being conscious of how you act when you are dating is important. Knowing your boundaries, needs, triggers, beliefs and core values is essential. You need to be able to communicate this up front, so that you both have a chance to choose if this is something you want to invest in or not. Being self-aware and honest saves a lot of time.
IN Love or IN Trauma – Some of us are so used to chaos that it’s the only thing that feels comfortable. We can become addicted or connected to the trauma. It’s essential to do work on ourselves to heal and address the unhealthy cycles that we have normalized.
Calm Your NEGATIVE Voice – When we feel an emotion, we can begin to start talking badly to ourselves. This can cause us to overreact due to being over-stimulated. If you feel an overwhelming sense of jealousy, insecurity, or sadness, that may be an indicator that you need some self-reflection. H.A.L.T. is a good tool. Sit quietly and ask yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Sometimes having those self-talks, can make all the difference on how successful dating can be.
Disagreeing Over Disagreeable – Disagreements are bound to happen, it’s our actions during times of conflict that speak volumes. Being in a disagreement, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to be a part of the solution. It’s easy to become defensive and want to call it quits when you have been single for a long period of time. Working towards love is a process, and it requires patience. We have to understand that allowing someone to learn us and for us to love them requires time and frequent ego check-ins.
Therapy Can Help – Don’t shy away from counseling. Having that safe space to vent and get tools to help you, can make a difference.