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Joan Pickett, LPC
Failure To Thrive In Young Adults
Joan Pickett, LPC

Failure To Thrive In Young Adults

Recently in my practice I have seen several families with college-age children who have found themselves faced with a child who during the second year has a breakdown; a “failure to thrive.”

This can come to the attention of the family in a variety of ways a desperate cry or series of cries home describing anxiety attacks or depression, or failing grades which when looked into reveal poor attendance at classes. Sometimes the parents have no idea as the child is hiding the truth, sometimes attending class at all.

Parents at these times experience a mixture of reactions. Shock and feelings of betrayal are common. Also, there is the vast expenditure that they can see going down the drain. But perhaps most of all the inescapable feelings that go with parenthood; “where did we go wrong as parents?”

There can be many explanations for what has happened to cause this event. During high school and the powerful push to get accepted into college there is often a message received by the child that if he or she doesn't succeed he or she will have failed the family to such an extent that he or she will no longer be loved or accepted in the family.

Especially with children who are either not academically inclined, or children who have an undiagnosed condition which disrupts the studies, this may have remained hidden during high school when the parents are close by and available to help.

But the contrast between that home environment and the emptiness of support in college can be terrifying to a child who was totally unprepared for the new environment. Anxiety and shame build, and the desire to protect the parents from the truth can result in hiding and spiraling down into despair.

However, from my vantage point I see this as breaking of the spiral so that the truth can truly set the child and the parents free. Of course this doesn't happen immediately. First there must be talking both with parents and often with siblings as the child becomes able to express his or her deepest feelings.

Counseling with and without the family as the child becomes even more aware of him or her feelings can be very helpful and if there is an undiagnosed problem, it can be diagnosed at that time. Often it is this “terrible” situation which was needed to be able to see, to reveal what the problem is.

Gradually a plan emerges which suits the child's individual needs and desires. A plan that feels right to everyone. The past becomes the past and is seen as something that had to happen to bring the child pointed toward a bright future that is just right for him.

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