Controlling People

By Kathi Whitten, LCSW

If someone is “controlling,” we experience him/her as a person who applies pressure on us (psychologically, emotionally, physically) to conform to their notions of what we should do, think, feel, want, etc.

We experience others as controlling when we feel cut off from our own options to freely and comfortably think, feel, or act according to our own values, beliefs, needs and feelings.

Controllers rarely, or reluctantly, seek others' input on projects and plans, and often openly oppose them. They're so attached to their own ideas of what is “right” they often risk relationships rather than back down.

Wishing for particular outcomes in situations is normal. Everyone has unique ideas about what would be “best” in life situations. But to be so solidly attached to these ideas that you cause mental, emotional – sometimes even physical – suffering to self or other(s) is to be too invested in a viewpoint that it can result in resistance, arguments, ill-will, fear, avoidance, and sometimes, sadly, physical attacks.

At its least extreme is the person who “strongly suggests” another person embraces certain actions, thoughts, or feelings, through a continuum of pressuring that can tragically end in physically assaulting another to achieve these ends.

Controlling people demand as much of themselves as others, sometimes resulting in rigid lifestyles. Life becomes a constant imposition of their will-whether on self or others. There's rarely any awareness that things could be otherwise. They lack enough flexibility in valuing the ideas, feelings or wishes of others to find a way to relax their urgent insistence that others to do as they demand.

If you are a controlling person (and most of us are at times), learning to release your insistence on outcomes always being what you want can be very freeing and improve relationships. But it may be difficult to self-identify this role, because people who feel controlled often try not to let their hurt and negative feelings show in order to avoid upsetting a delicate relationship balance, especially if it's very important to them.

Whether you are the one feeling chronically controlled, or the person who cannot rest easily unless others always do as you think best, it would be easy to assume that your relationship(s) do not satisfy or bring the happiness you seek. Seeking professional assistance to deal with this condition is often very effective. Consider making a confidential appointment with a psychotherapist to discuss your concerns.