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Joan Pickett, LPC
Invisible Heroes
Joan Pickett, LPC

Invisible Heroes

We have certain parents who are invisible. These are the parents of a child who is severely mentally ill. These parents love this child and feel protective even after he or she has reached adulthood. Because the mentally ill child is unable to self care and is vulnerable to destruction either by him/herself or by the world at large, these parents continue to feel the all-consuming protectiveness that we feel for an infant.

This is true even when the child is capable of dangerous rages or wild spending sprees or other disastrous behavior. Outsiders looking in can be appalled and driven to severe judgments, saying things like, “Why don't they do something?” (Without any idea of the myriad things that they have done or tried), or, “Can you believe they put up with that behavior?”

In fact the truth is never simple in situations like these. Usually there have been many professionals involved, while the parents keep searching for help. And the patient usually believes him/herself to be perfectly fine and is resistant to help at each turn. These parents become isolated. Their other children feel abandoned in favor of the ill sibling.

The parents are left to struggle on alone, exhausted, anxious and depressed. They worry about what will happen when they are no longer able to care for their child. Most alarmingly, when the adult child living with them has a history of violence the parents can be caught between a desire to protect themselves from harm in the next outbreak of delusional violence and desire to avoid taking action which will lead to their adult child being placed in detention because it is the law that 48 hours is the maximum a person could be detained against his/her will.

It is impossible to ensure stabilization of medication and mood in that time. After 48 hours the volatile and potentially dangerous child will be able to sign himself out to return home, angrier than when he or she left.

Often therapy can provide a safe environment for these parents to discuss their history of struggling to find solutions. It also can provide a respite from feelings of being alone with the problem. The therapist can be someone who supports and doesn't judge them.

This professional and caring time can make a tremendous difference in the outlook of these parents, these heroic parents, giving them understanding, warmth and relief as well as assistance in connecting with resources. And if, as sometimes happens, these parents have other issues which they have never taken the time to get help with, during this time their therapist can gently remind them that their own needs are important too.

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