Our Differences Enhance Our Relationships

By Robert A. Fontana, L.C.S.W

Robert A. Fontana Marriage Therapist

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Our Differences Enhance Our Relationships

We've all heard the expression “opposites attract”. For many long-term relationships that phrase is their reality. We often see the coupling of an introvert and extrovert, a reserved intellectual with an emotional intuitive or even a liberal democrat married to a conservative republican.
Not only are these relationships common but they also exemplify how individuality gives relationships the common ground to create and maintain a life of passionate togetherness. Although a couple's differences are often not so obvious or extreme, essential to their success is how each individual regards their own personality and the uniqueness of their partner.
When each person within a relationship doesn't have an excessive need to have their partner, think alike, or feel the same, a mutual respect naturally flows from an internal feeling of self respect.
Adults who feel mostly confident and respectful of themselves will naturally support and promote their partner's authenticity and best attributes. It feels good to share the best of yourselves because these qualities are attractive and desirable. This is referred to as a relational “differentiation”; or the ability to see and know your self apart from another so you can see and know your partner unobstructed by any unfulfilled need.
A differentiated individual responsibly contains their anxieties and expresses their emotions with honesty. Reactivity and projecting meaning onto another's actions or words is replaced with non-defensive inquiry and curiosity. Commitment is embraced as a choice based in love, empathy and devotion rather than neediness, dependency, or fear of being alone.
These “differentiated” qualities often translate into a relationship that can passionately disagree but respectfully compromise. Influence from our partner becomes a reasonable accommodation without any harboring of resentment because each person trusts that the other can responsibly manage their own frustration or disappointment.
Embracing our differences establishes a relational environment of possibilities and growth. Our emotional connection to each other focuses on the qualities we have come to know, respect, love and trust rather the fleeting comfort of commonality.
So the next time you ask your “differentiated” spouse or significant other to accompany you to an event, ballgame or movie that they would never think of going to, don't personalize the resistance. Emphasize the meaning of flexibility and accommodation. And when your reluctant partner ends up enjoying him or herself, smile inwardly and try not to say “I told you so”.