Texting Your Relationship To the Grave

By Ceres I. Artico, PhD, LPC, LFT

My best editing happens after I press SEND. Oops! Do you relate?

Texting and other instant-access, easy-to-use technology is such an intrinsic part of our daily routine that we feel a panic attack coming just from the prospect of being left without it. And yet, so many couples in my practice describe the pitfalls and frustrating miscommunication brought on by trying to communicate through the firing speed of texting.

While texting is a great vehicle for saying running late, let's meet at 4 00 on Saturday, or bought the blue water cooler you asked for; texting and even emailing is a dismal choice when trying to convey complex, subtle emotions and thoughts.

One of the main reasons that texting is not meant to connect is that texting is completely void of non-verbal cues, despite the smiley faces.

Research suggests that up to 93 percent (no, this is not a typo) of human communication happens at a non-verbal level. When talking face-to-face, even speaking a foreign language works better than texting. In addition, in a dialogue when we are engaged in an involved and important conversation with someone we care a great deal about on topics we also care a great deal about, there is a subtle and endearing dance of helping to regulate each other's emotions as we take turns in trying to understand and be understood, listen and be heard. We re-phrase, re-word, and insert humor and physical contact, all in matter of seconds, without awareness. None of that happens when texting.

Then there are those who think on the outside vs. those who think on the inside. The outside thinkers (yours truly included) think as we speak. For us, talk is cheap meaning we are open to editing, adding, deleting, and incorporating feedback.

Other people do their thinking on the inside and then pronounce their decision. If those differences in communication styles are challenging enough to adjust to in a face-to-face dialogue, imagine the havoc it causes in the forever recorded text. The poor inside thinker will be left with the unintended words carved in his or her memory forever after.

So next time you want to say something important to someone important, please text I need to speak with you. Can we meet tomorrow at 5 00? And one last thing, TUI (texting under the influence) is a relationship felony. -)