A home should be a happy and safe place.  A home should be the place where we feel loved and accepted for being ourselves.  In truth, a home is also the place where our personal conflicts are worked out, sometimes in destructive ways.  Our internal conflicts may involve issues of anger, power, and control - all of which can lead to verbal abuse.  

Verbal abuse leaves no physical scars, but the emotional wounds can be deep.  It is important to recognize verbal abuse when it occurs and then do something about it.  A verbally abusive household is usually not a happy place.  On the surface, others may see both the verbal abuser and the victim of the abuse as a happy couple, the nicest of people.  But behind the scenes, there exists a pattern of manipulation and intimidation, unreasonable demands, sarcasm, and angry outbursts.

At the onset of these relationships, everything may seem wonderful.  The person who later becomes verbally abusive may shower the eventual victim with gifts and compliments and make that person feel like the most important person in the world.  Gradually, however, the relationship deteriorates.  The abuser’s anger and need for control are projected onto the victim.  The victim is blamed for not being “good enough,” and the relationship gradually turns into an emotional roller coaster.

The person on the receiving end of the abuse may adjust to the situation over time, so that he or she is unaware of the extent of the abuse.  The abuser usually fails to take responsibility for creating the problem, and it is the partner who takes the blame.  These relationships are characterized by denial, poor interpersonal boundaries, control and power issues, trust issues, and unresolved anger.

Verbal abuse can almost always be seen as a control issue. Ironically, it is the abuser who sees him or herself as the victim.  Therefore, the abuser feels the need to control the partner in order to allay his or her own insecurities.  The person receiving the verbal abuse, hoping for closeness and approval, goes along with the control and may accept blame for causing the problems.  Roles become confused.  The abuser is the victim, and the victim is the abuser.  The situation becomes murky and perpetuates the conditions that breed verbal abuse.

Because the partners in a verbally abusive relationship have usually adapted to their situations, as painful as this may be, it might require the intervention of a trained therapist to interpret the communication patterns objectively and empathically.  New and healthier ways of communicating can be learned, along with the issues of control, the need for equality in a relationship, and how to trust and respect one’s partner.

Summer break from middle school, high school or college is a very exciting time, but can be very detrimental to adolescents and young adults with ADD/ADHD.

Of course most kids would prefer “hanging out” with their friends all day long rather than attend structured, supervised activities. But research indicates that children and adolescents who are not involved in a structured activity such as sports, summer camps, volunteering, or work are more likely to engage in negative behavior and substance use.

The relationship between substance abuse and ADHD is well-documented. On a recent drug use survey completed by Fairfax County Public School students, close to 40% of respondents admitted to frequent drug and alcohol use (more than 2x per week) and cited ‘boredom’ and ‘lack of activities’ to participate in as primary triggers.

Working parents have an uphill battle to ensure enough summer oversight but reducing free time needs to be a priority, especially for older teens even though they can technically care for themselves.

A well structured summer break offers many benefits: a chance to meet new people, explore new things, participate in new activities, increase mastery of an existing interest, travel and enhance experiential learning. The goal(s): increased skills, enhanced self-confidence and self-awareness.

Align Interests and Activities

Summer activities must be aligned with a child’s interests so that it can be predictable, stimulating, and long-lasting. If a child pursues their interests daily, they are more likely to engage in positive behaviors such as socialization, problem solving, and physical activities. Researching and deciding upon suitable summer activities together is the key to reducing resistance and increasing the odds of a positive experience.

Notably, ADD/ADHD college students should be using their summer break constructively by getting jobs or internships aligned with their majors, increasing work or life skills or volunteering.

Summer camp is a popular option for tweens and teens. If finances are an issue, scholarships to county camps may be available. If summer camps are not an option, community centers, sports teams, volunteer opportunities and summer jobs are great alternatives.

Connect With Other Parents

If none of these resources work for your family, parents need to connect with other parents in the community. Plan days for your child to spend time at a friend’s house with proper supervision during work hours.

So sit down with your kids, determine their interests, and what they would like to accomplish this summer. Be prepared to face some opposition, but don’t back down. When given some freedom of choice, your child will be more likely than not to take an active role in planning their summer. And, they will hopefully make memories, grow and learn—a “win-win” for everyone.

1. Ask. Generally speaking, partners feel that asking about thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs demonstrates caring. If you ask with a genuine wish to know, your partner is likely to experience the inquiry as loving.

2. Tell. If you want your partner to know what you’re thinking or feeling, tell your partner. We sometimes believe that if our partner cared, s/he would already know. What defines caring partners is not magical telepathic abilities but wanting to know. Trust that your partner cares enough to want to know – tell.

3. Listen, attentively. Listening attentively means making your partner’s answer the most important thing in the world to you at that moment. It is important to sustain this attentiveness until your partner has fully and completely told whatever s/he is willing to share at this time. It is a very affirming experience to be listened to in this way.

4. Understand. Understanding requires a commitment of energy and caring. If you commit yourself to understanding, you commit yourself to a process that will result in a successful match between intended transmission and actual reception. It can be exhilarating to feel a partner’s commitment to understanding you this fully.

5. Be responsive. Being responsive means demonstrating to your partner that you are influenced in some way by what you now know. If I do something because of what you told me, that I listened to and understood, I’m being responsive. If you tell me that you want me to quit my job and run away to the circus with you, I don’t have to be responsive by running away to the circus. But I need to demonstrate that I care about what you’re saying, perhaps by inviting you to tell me about your need to make such a radical change and ask if you’ve always wanted to be a lion tamer.

These five tips won’t guarantee a successful relationship. But without these five things no relationship has much chance of success. By implementing these five things you make a fine start toward a healthy and satisfying relationship. If you’re already in a not-so-successful place in a relationship, try using these five tips to get yourself to solid ground. They can’t hurt and they may be the lifeline that you need.

Have you ever had difficulty speaking up for yourself?  How you define yourself, positively or negatively, depends a great deal upon the messages you’ve heard from others throughout your life.  We internalize the things we’ve heard about ourselves from other people and this becomes the basis of our self-esteem, which can be either mostly positive or mostly negative.  If we see ourselves in a negative light, we may feel that we are not worthy of speaking up for what we want and this can lead to passive behavior as a lifestyle.

People who experience difficulty with their assertiveness skills have to look deeply within to assess their self-esteem and see what they can do to create a more positive definition of themselves.  They can find things about themselves that they like.  They might practice using positive self talk such as, “I am an interesting person and have interesting things to say” until this message replaces any old negative messages they may have heard throughout their lives.

Turning a legacy of negativity into a present sense of positive feelings takes some work, persistence, and motivation but the rewards are enormous. One day you realize that you really do like yourself, like who you are and have something to say that is of value to other people.  This does not imply that you are working toward conceit or a superior, condescending attitude.  You are simply working to repair old negative messages that have held you back in the past.  You are working on balance.

Being able to assert yourself in life requires positive self-esteem.  Once you feel good about yourself, you can then go out into the world with a healthy sense of pride and assertively deal with the many experiences and people who come your way.  

Communicating with others assertively involves the ability to express your ideas clearly and effectively.  It does not involve blaming the other person or putting them down.  There is no room for sarcasm when communicating assertively.  

Assertive speaking often involves the use of “I” statements.  That is, you talk about how you feel about something without attacking the other person.  For example, you might say, “I feel uncomfortable when you talk about our boss that way,” but you would not say, “You make me feel uncomfortable when you gossip about our boss”.  Assertiveness does not aim to put the other person into a defensive stance, but rather aims to open communication between people.  

Learning to become assertive is not just an exercise in discovering appropriate responses to uncomfortable social or personal situations.  Rather, it mirrors a personal process of self-discovery that is often aided by working with a therapist.  The goal is to reach your authentic genuine self.